I lost a friend this week. She wasn't my best friend, she wasn't a confidant, but she was a friend. She was someone I saw at work most days. We had some interesting conversations about her hobbies and my writing. She bought Avon from me, I bought Pampered chef from her. I knew her though a few failed relationships, her marriage to the love of her life, four years ago, and the process of adopting this man's granddaughter as her own daughter. I'm a sap for babies and although I don't necessarily think a woman's place is in the home, I do think most women don't find true fulfillment until they've had a chance to exercise their maternal instincts. My friend once told me that she never wanted children, and it brought a special joy to my heart to see her fall so madly in love with this little girl. Every time she stopped by with a new "mommy-baby' story, every time she posted new pictures on Facebook I saw a glow on her face that hadn't been there when I first met her.
I saw her at work on Thursday and heard that she'd been killed in an accident on Sunday. The week has been a bit surreal. When I look down the row of cubicles I expect to see her and I don't. I went to her memorial service today, and it still doesn't seem real.
Here's the thing that troubles me most about this whole ordeal. I knew her hobbies, I knew the names of her family, I can tell you the names of her past boyfriends, I knew she preferred cats over dogs, I knew her favorite color. She could probably tell you the same things about me. What I don't know, what I should have known is whether or not she was a Christian. She was a terrific person, she had a great smile, she would give a friend the shirt off her back and the last dollar in her purse, but was she saved when that car flipped last Friday night? I don't know. I think she was...I hope she was...
You see, I'm an introvert. I'm pretty good at walking the Christian walk, I write a pretty good Christian story, but when it comes to talking the Christian talk, my mouth drys up, my hands get clammy, and my brain goes numb. So in all the conversions we had, we never talked about church, or eternal things, and this week I'm left to wonder if I missed a chance to be more than a friend to this sweet woman.
That's a really good question I wish I had a good answer.